I think we can all understand that losing someone we love must be one of the worst experiences a person can go through in life.  How can we help someone in that situation? What do we say or do?  If we know someone who has recently been bereaved and they are walking towards us, what can we say that doesn't sound insincere or inept?

I am not a bereavement counsellor, but I have sourced some information points over a few months now  and have brought these together in a useful guide.
The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
 1 At least she lived a long life, many people die young.
 2 He is in a better place.
 3 She brought this on herself.
 4 There is a reason for everything.
 5 Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now.
 6 You can have another child still.
 7 She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him.
 8 I know how you feel.
 9 She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.
10 Be strong.
The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
 1 I am so sorry for your loss.
 2 I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
 3 I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can.
 4 You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
 5 My favourite memory of your loved one is….
 6 I am always just a phone call away.
 7 Give a hug instead of saying something.
 8 We all need help at times like this, I am here for you.
 9 I am usually up early or late, if you need anything.
10 Saying nothing, just be with the person.

Now you can take something from the 'worst things to say' list and it still be right for the situation - someone with deep faith talking to a member of the clergy  would take comfort from knowing their loved one is in a better place.  Someone who doesn't hold that belief would not welcome such a comment.   So just think about where you are coming from in what you say, remember that you cant fix this, you cant rationalise why the death has happened you are just looking to be supportive and  recognise the persons loss.

We have all found ourselves saying 'If there is anything I can do to help just let me know'.  That is not a bad thing to say, it is showing our support and willingness to help, but,  if you do know someone well enough to help, don't offer - do!  Take round some dinner, help clear up at the wake, ask if you can do the School run, arrange to walk the dog, ask for a shopping list - etc.   The person can still say no if they are uncomfortable but rather than putting the onus on them to contact you, you are putting yourself forward on a practical level.  Not many people find it easy to ask for help!

Be prepared for a wide range of emotions. There are many different levels to grief and there is no set pattern, no right or wrong way for them to come out.  Emotions such as anger, hopelessness, guilt (even when we cant understand why the person feels guilty), despair, etc. can all be present at different times.   Someone can look to be 'getting the hang of it' and then have a massive back-step into despair. They can be frightened, feel isolated and vulnerable as well as lonely.  There is no set path and no set time scale for grief.  As previously said, we shouldn't try to fix it, rationalise anything or place our expectations on the grieving person.

So I hope that helps! Having something in mind to say is always a plus.  The grieving person is likely to be grateful for your words or actions.  So  many people do not get in touch with the bereaved person because they do not know what to say. Making what is already a horrendous situation even harder to deal with and even more lonely.

I am a Celebrant and not a bereavement counsellor and so I sourced this information from helpguide.org and healyourlige.org - neither of which I am associated with in any way.  Information can also be found on websites such as dyingmatters.org and for someone to talk to: cruse.org.uk.  There are many other organisations with lots of useful information.

For more information on my work please check out my facebook page and website:
https://www.facebook.com/amandajaneceremonies/
http://www.amandajaneceremonies.co.uk/
With love
Amanda Jane xx