'Losing someone you love is one of the hardest times in your life', it is something I find myself saying quite a lot, because it is true! When someone dies you are faced with a barrage of 'things to do', I wont go in to them here as its not the focus for this blog, but right at the moment when you need some peace and space to gather your thoughts and feelings you have to make a dozen decisions a day.

One of the top frustrations I see families face when organising a Funeral for someone they love, is that they do not know what he or she would have wanted in their service, and so an already very stressful time has added pressure trying to second guess what would be the right options.

Even when talking to my own family about what they would want in their service , my Dad especially, tells me 'oh I wont know about it, just chuck me in the river'...ok, so he is trying to be helpful by telling me he doesn't mind what we do for him, but that isn't actually going to help me and my sister one bit when the time comes! 

To help those family or friends who will be asked to handle the arrangements for your Funeral, you can take some very simple steps that would really help those left behind. I have assumed (for ease) that you will be using the services of a Funeral Director with the tips below.

There are tons of options for funerals but here are the core options that you can help with:

1. Which Funeral Director? If you have a particular Funeral Director in mind that you would like to look after you once you have passed away, ensure that your loved ones know who they have to call.  If there is something that you want 'with you' whilst you are resting then make a note. 

2. How do you want to go? Burial (local cemetery or green burial?), Cremation or another option?  Other options are limited in the UK but you could possibly be buried at sea, donate your body to medical science or where available have your body 'dissolved'.  

3. Location for your service?  So the most obvious choices are a Church or Crematorium (be aware that most Crematorium services are in 20 or 30 minute slots so can limit the content of the service, you can book a double slot to give you more time)  - but you do not have to have your ceremony in either of these. 

More and more people are choosing to have their services in a place that meant something to them, such as at home, the local pub, football club etc. - there are  limits to this such as how to get your coffin into and out of the venue (standard size doors are an issue), and to ensure the venue would 'host' your coffin.   There is a rising trend to have the service and wake at the same time, and then a private committal for family only at graveside or crematorium.

4. Content of your service.  If you have religious beliefs then you may wish for your service to be led by a member of the clergy (whatever the religion) to conduct your service, these services are of course in line with your religion and so you are likely to already know what this entails.   If you have some beliefs but wouldn't want a member of the Clergy to conduct your service then a Civil Celebrant is the next option.  Celebrants can include some, or no, religious content in to your service, so if you would like a hymn and a prayer but want the service to be about your life and the people you love - then a Celebrant is the best choice.
If you want no religion, no hymns, prayers and no notion of 'going back' to other members of your family then you may want to consider a Humanist.  They do not have any spiritual beliefs and will not have any such content in their ceremonies.  There may be a limit on what music you have as mention of afterlife, spirit or angels is also not permitted.

Alongside the aspect of who is conducting your service is the consideration as to what they are going to say - do you want a Eulogy, which is a time line of your life, or would you prefer people to write tributes to you - or a mix of both? Will the people organising your funeral know enough about your life to complete a full Eulogy?  If not, how about a few notes on your life to help them.

5. Music.  A core part of most Funeral ceremony's is the music that is played. Your family will be grateful for you to list a few tracks that you love, (and if you are having any - which hymns you would like), they can then know that you are happy with what is played.  Some services also have live musicians or singers. 

6. Coffin type. There are dozens of different styles and types of coffin, all with different price tags. If you want a simple wood coffin, then be sure to make note of this, if you would prefer something decorative like a wicker coffin woven with flowers or a coffin with a picture on it (such as a train, flowers, country scene, beach or something specific to you) then a note of this will ensure you get what you want.

7. Transport. Standard hearse, horse and carriage, motorcycle sidecar, HGV, tractor, VW camper?  There are many different options on the type of 'hearse' that you travel in.  Would you like your family to follow you in a limo?

8. Orders of service. These cards are helpful in a service where there is a hymn, song that everyone is to sing together or prayer so that everyone has the words to hand. They are also a keepsake for people to take away and normally you will have photos included on them. You could also have a photo displayed at the ceremony and if in a Crematorium quite a lot of them have TV screens that you can use for slideshows (you could achieve this in most venues).

9. Flowers.  If you are not keen on flowers then you can ask for none, or family only - perhaps you would prefer for people to make a donation to charity rather than bring flowers. Just make a note of your wishes.

10.Dress. Is there something you want to be dressed in for your final journey? What about those attending your funeral - are you bothered about what they wear? Should they be wearing your favourite colour, your teams shirts or would you prefer everyone in bright colours or the formal black attire? 

11. Wake. Do you want your loved ones and friends to gather together after your service? If so, where, do you want this to be? Do you see this as a quiet affair with a cream tea or a full out party?

12. Memorial?  Some families are choosing to have a private ceremony to say farewell to their loved one and then have a combined memorial service and wake to include everyone else.  Just another of the thousands of options!

That is some of the basic information you can leave behind for your loved ones.  If you have a will (and I cannot stress enough the importance of a will to EVERYONE) you can have those instructions stored with it, if you have a funeral plan your wishes can be written in to the plan, but do make sure you update everything.  If you wrote your wishes some 30 years ago and life has changed, you've moved, you've different tastes etc. - then be sure to update the wishes for your funeral.

The other thing I would suggest you consider is how your funeral will be paid for.  I am not here to provide recommendations, but you could have a savings plan, insurance policy, set aside part of your estate to cover the funeral costs (normally done within a will) or take out a funeral plan.  There are positives and negatives to each option and I would urge you to research each option to find which is best for you. 

Just a little effort on your part now can save those left to organise your funeral a great deal of stress and worry. Losing you from their life is hard enough, anything you can do to help ease them through will be appreciated.

If any of you have any questions about organising your own Funeral (I do work with people who have life-limiting illness) or if you are having to organise a funeral for someone and you would like to know more about your options then please give me a call, I am happy to help.  With love, Amanda Jane x